No Way to Treat a Guido

The following appeared in the April 29 edition of the Dayton Daily News. Do not be alarmed by its healthy orange glow.

There’s just no pleasing some people.

Like children, for example. You feed them in morning, and, like, four hours later, they’re asking for more food. Will you never be satisfied?!

And then there’s Italy.

First, they didn’t want to be represented in popular culture by compelling and critically acclaimed television and film portrayals of the mafia. What more do you need than critical acclaim? It's the best kind of acclaim.

Photo courtesy of the State Dept.

Now, they don’t like the cast of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” being front and center and shirtless when the topic of conversation turns to Italian-Americans. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe it has something to do with the “L” in favorite Shore saying, “GTL” (gym, tan, laundry). They probably think the guys’ mothers should be taking care of that part for them well into their 40s.

“They embody the worst stereotypes of Italians, multiplied by thousands and Americanized,” Roman newspaper columnist Roberto Del Bove said, I assume between bites of spaghetti and meatballs while stroking his bushy mustache, wearing a giant chef hat and playing an organ grinder so his pet monkey could dance for spare change/pickpocket unsuspecting passersby.

Also, that quote makes it abundantly clear that Mr. Del Bove has never been to an Olive Garden.

Italy’s criticism of “Jersey Shore” began because of plans to film the show’s upcoming season inside the old country, specifically in the city of Florence. Who knows what historic fountains the cast will befoul as they drunkenly mistake them for elaborate hot tubs.

But according to the New York Post, Florence Mayor Matteo Renzi wants to ruin the fun all because he’d prefer to maintain a clean, desirable place for people to live. Lame, Renzi. I thought you were cool, man.

He laid out a set of rules for the cast’s upcoming trip to the motherland, including:

• No filming allowed inside any of the city’s historic buildings. 

No problem there. Unless there are tanning beds in Florence and they count as historic buildings.

• The cast will not be filmed in bars and clubs that serve alcohol. 

OK, so we’re just going to cancel the season now, right? I mean, from what I’ve seen, that’s literally the whole show. Although, this is Europe we’re talking about. So my guess is the guidos and guidettes can just get their respective drinks and shwerves on in other places.

• The cast will not be filmed drinking in public. 

All right then. This is going well. Well, on the plus side, this is going to be the best episode of “Intervention” ever.

• The show should be filmed in a manner to promote Italy (not Americans visiting Italy) and feature its culture and good food. 

You want culture? Both Snooki and JWOW have written books. Actual books, with a certain percentage of words recognized as part of the English language. And The Situation was on “Dancing With the Stars.” Each is their own sort of perverted mutation of culture.

• The show will not be filmed to promote Florence as a drinking town. 

You know what usually happens when a parent tells his or her child over and over not to do something?

Why do I get the feeling Mayor Renzi will be giving the cast the “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” speech in a few months?


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Lists That Actually Matter: Five Stock Office Phrases That Should Go Away

Aftermath of a circle back.

In addition to poor microwave etiquette and random bowls of candy every five or so feet, offices are also often rife with cliches and ridiculous buzz words that ultimately mean nothing. Like profitability, for instance. What does that even mean?! And like Carson Daly's inability to resist doing a soul handshake followed by pronounced gesticulation when interviewing a rapper on TRL, many people who are surrounded by drones using these standard office phrases are often unable to keep themselves from trying to join in. Just as I am unable to make a cultural reference that was topical within the last 11 years.

Read the list HERE.

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