Lists That Actually Matter: Five Stock Office Phrases That Should Go Away

Aftermath of a circle back.

In addition to poor microwave etiquette and random bowls of candy every five or so feet, offices are also often rife with cliches and ridiculous buzz words that ultimately mean nothing. Like profitability, for instance. What does that even mean?! And like Carson Daly's inability to resist doing a soul handshake followed by pronounced gesticulation when interviewing a rapper on TRL, many people who are surrounded by drones using these standard office phrases are often unable to keep themselves from trying to join in. Just as I am unable to make a cultural reference that was topical within the last 11 years.

Read the list HERE.

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Lists That Actually Matter: Five Fast Food Innovations You Didn't See Coming

When it comes to American culinary innovation, we've come a long way since the stuffed crust pizza. In fact, we've come so far that now there's cheese and pepperoni stuffed inside the crust. But we're on a slippery slope. Mostly because the slope is now covered in sweat and bacon grease, but also in a figurative sense, as food makers try to outdo each other in an effort to win America's heart before it explodes. So even though you think we must have reached a plateau and that this game of "can you top and/or stuff this" can't go any further, you know, deep down, that's not true. Think of all the stuff that could still be randomly thrown together in a bowl, bread or otherwise. Or all of the things that could be freakishly manipulated into the shape of a fry. Pepperoni inside the crust? Big deal. Call me when pepperoni is the crust. Then we're getting somewhere. Enough pussyfooting around, American restaurant industry. I'm offering up these five ideas free of charge to get you moving in the right direction. If you care about us, you'll make them happen.

Read the list HERE. 


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Lists That Actually Matter: Five Things Your Mom Will Never Be Convinced You Have Enough Of

Fits children up to 38 years old.

You have a job, a house or an apartment, a pair of leather shoes with laces, maybe a car, and you rarely wet the bed anymore. Congratulations, you're a fully functioning adult. But your mom is not fooled. She knows the truth. She knows that you still need help, specifically in these five areas. And if you don't get it, you'll end up cold, starving and alone on the street without so much as a single trashcan fire to warm yourself near. Don't let it happen to you!

Read the list HERE.


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Lists That Actually Matter: 25 Best Baseball Mullets

Yer mouth is pertty.

You might look at these 25 men and think that they're all business. But a simple swing around to the back and you'll see that they like to party, too. Having already talked about some of the finest facial hair in the business a few weeks back, it would be negligent for us to ignore the top of the head. Especially when you consider the fact that in the world of sports, only hockey can match baseball's affinity for the mullet. So with opening day just a day or two away (depending on your team), what better time to honor those who best wore the look beloved today by so many, from hillbillies to Canadians to ironic hipsters to ironic Canadian hillbilly hipsters?


Read the whole list HERE.


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Lists That Actually Matter: Top 5 Overused Selling Points

Think about it ... but not too long.

Some people are so susceptible to advertising. Poor saps will believe anything a commercial tells them. Not me. I come to my own conclusions. Ain't no doctor gonna tell me how long my erection should last! But those not quite as sophisticated as myself may still be taken in by some of the following overused advertising stock phrases, no matter how often they show up.

See the list HERE.


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Lists That Actually Matter: Five Ways NPR Can Survive Without Government Funding

Yours free for reading my list.

Fellow boring white people, assemble! NPR is in danger of losing its government funding. Whether you're all for that or totally against it, there's one thing we can all agree on: enchiladas is tasty. Now that we've established some common ground, let's try to find a way for listeners like you and me to make up our main Ira Glass delivery system's potential budget shortfall.

Read the list HERE.

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Lists That Actually Matter: Top 5 Habits of the Annoying Driver

"So, is this your first time? Driving! I mean driving!"

I drive to work. If you drive to work, chances are I hate you. Because chances are, you do one of these five things, if not two or three of them. And if you do, I don't wish harm or an untimely end on you, as some other, less measured people might. On the contrary, I hope you have many years ahead, just with an unexplained tickle in your anus that never goes away. I hope you spend years seeing doctors and trying to treat it with hundreds of pungent creams and ointments that make maintaining any level of intimacy with your significant other nearly impossible. But you stay together for your kids, who, by the way, will start telling friends that you're dead because it's easier than telling them the truth. Then the discomfort gets to the point where sitting, even with a specially designed doughnut pillow, is an unpleasant experience and you have to stop driving to work. Either that or your car breaks down. Whatever gets you off the road.

See the list HERE.

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Lists That Actually Matter: Eight Forgotten Facial Hair Successes of 90s Chicago Baseball

Not pictured: George's Hennessy

The 1990s were a tumultuous time in baseball. Labor strife wiped out the 1994 postseason. Steroid use was widespread amongst many marquee players. Expansion teams were added despite the fact that their uniforms contained numerous shades of purple and/or teal. But it wasn't all bad. The 1990s were a golden age for attractive facial hair throughout major league clubhouses. And nowhere was that more evident than in Chicago, a town that appreciates a good mustache as much as it does a well cased meat. So who stood out in a diverse field of distinguished gentlemen?

See the list HERE.


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Lists That Actually Matter: Top 10 Ugliest Features of Impossibly Attractive People

Oh, hey. Just having my bare chested afternoon tea.

It's day three of Ugly Week here at Lists That Actually Matter and my fellow heartthrobs and I couldn't be happier with the results. But as we approach the mid-point of Ugly Week (a most solemn and reflective time) we also want to be very clear that ugliness is not confined to just outward appearances. Beauty is only skin deep, you know? And underneath is a bunch of blood and poop and connective tissue that would make you gag if you had to look at it regularly, Slim Goodbody notwithstanding. But there are many other ways in which otherwise attractive people can ugly themselves up.

See the list HERE.


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Lists That Actually Matter: Five Things Worse Than Tiger Woods Spitting on a Putting Green

Cover your eyes and those of the nearest impressionable child. From a weekend golf tournament in Spain comes disturbing news that further portends the demise of polite society. Tiger Woods spit on a putting green. Not the green! That's the shortest of all the grasses! You scoundrel! How could you, Eldrick? Just when we thought you'd changed, you go and start spraying your bodily fluids around again with no regard for who it might hurt. Human excretions have no place on the golf course, sir. Unless, of course, the place is behind a tree on the back nine and the fluid is urine. Then it's a case by case situation.

The point is, in the order of sacred places that must be shown proper reverence, it goes: 1) golf courses, 2) war memorials, 3) Mall of America, 4) Native American burial grounds. In fact, I could only think of five things you could have done on that putting green that would have been more offensive than spitting...

See the list HERE.


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