A Superman Without a Home

The following was originally published in the May 13 edition of the Dayton Daily News under the pen name/secret identity "Toby Riassi."

Not his real hair.

Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s ... a traitor!

Yes, it seems that when it comes to standing up for one’s country, the Man of Steel doesn’t have much of a spine.

In an upcoming issue of his Action Comics series, Superman attends a rally in Iran to show his support for government protesters there. He’s reprimanded for this by the Secret Service, who apparently has authority over superheroes.

This causes Superman, who fears that he’s being seen as a tool exclusively of the United States, to go before the United Nations and renounce his American citizenship.

Hey, good timing Superman. Maybe you were stuck in a phone booth or something and didn’t hear, but we just got bin Laden. Bet you wish you could reverse the earth’s rotation to turn back time on that one.

But it’s too late. From now on, no matter what you do, we’ll see right through you. Not in the way that you can see through us, with the X-ray vision and all, but in a figurative, non-privacy rights violating sense.

You’re supposed to stand for “truth, justice and the American way,” but in this issue you say that’s “just not enough anymore.” What more do you want, Superman? Do you want us to remove the kryptonite from hot dogs? Forget it. What do you think gives them their sheen?

Oh, word through the newspaper grapevine is that your “buddy” over at the “Daily Planet” Clark Kent plans to remain a citizen. Well you can’t have it both ways, Kal-El. If that is your real name.

If being the embodiment of all that is right and fair in the world isn’t good enough for you, I don’t see how you’re ever going to be satisfied. What is it you don’t like about us anymore? We stopped calling you about kittens stuck in trees. We don’t tug on your cape.

Is it the obesity? Is that it? It’s because we’ve gained weight, isn’t it? Well, excuse us, Mr. Perfect. We weren’t all blessed with super will power.

Or maybe it’s our supposed lack of worldliness? Sorry we don’t all live in Metropolis. Don’t forget, you grew up in Smallville, pal. Which, by the way, has an unusually high crime rate for a little Kansas farming town, if you ask me.

Seems to me that trouble just follows you around. Everywhere you go these catastrophic events aren’t far behind. Bomb threats, kidnappings, the early 90s television dramedy “Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman.” Horrifying occurrences that those who witnessed them will never forget.

But if you’re willing to turn your back on us— all of us— then go right ahead. But it’s up to you to explain it to the children before you go, especially little Jimmy Olsen. He’s going to be devastated. He looks up to you, you know.

Then I want you to go, fly away. Far away. And don’t turn back.

Partly because it’s too painful and partly because we just turned on the Bat Signal. Batman should be here any minute now and that could get awkward.

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