Ready To Fill the Bill

The following appeared in the April 1 edition of the Dayton Daily News. Read it in a silly duck voice in your head, if you dare.

Can you speak?

Can you, um … well, that’s it actually.

If you can, you could be the next voice of the Aflac Duck! Finally, an occupation where I wouldn’t openly embarrass my family, if only because my work would all be attributed to a sassy duck.

Aflac is encouraging people to “Answer the Duck’s Call.” At least, I think it’s them. They could really just be hunters trying to lure potential ducks out. Just in case, be sure to wear a bright orange vest to audition.

The old voice, Gilbert Gottfried, was let go after making jokes about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan on Twitter. That’s in incredibly poor taste, yes. But maybe this all could have been avoided with a few strategically placed winky smiley face emoticons. Those soften everything.

For example: I’m not sure I love you anymore. ;)

See how that takes the sting out of things? We’ll never know if it would have saved Gilbert though, and now, his loss could be your gain. Go ahead and audition if you want. Entries have to be in today, April 1. You might even come in second place. That’s how confident I am in my application.

All the company asks for in the entry is your name, phone number, email and a 30 second audio or video clip of your interpretations of the duck sounding “informative, frustrated, happy, surprised, angry.”

The directions also say to “feel free to add grunts, groans, and mutterings, but no words other than ‘Aflac.’”

So my recording of a half-minute of emotive grunting complete, I moved on to something that would differentiate me from all the other candidates.

Any good job applicant knows that no matter what the company you’re applying to asks for, always send a cover letter. That’s why I included the following.

To Whom It May Concern:

It started at an early age, when I used to speak with a fake lisp to be like Daffy or often went out wearing a pantsless sailor suit à la Donald.

But eventually, that sort of thing had to stop. Especially the second one. The sailor suit top was getting tight.

And so I moved on, like people so often do, convinced the ship had sailed on my dreams. I could still be happy without being a duck, at least that’s what I told myself.

Then I heard about your search for a new voice for your spokesduck and I knew it was meant to be.

You say you’re looking for someone with a “collaborative spirit, especially when it comes to working with ducks.” So I guess it’s good that my grade school report cards regularly said, “talks at inappropriate times, but works well with other children and water fowl.”

Under special skills, you say the position “requires correct pronunciation of the word Aflac.” As you’ll see in my audition tape, I nailed this one at least six out of every ten times. That’s over 50%!

You’re also looking for “bilingual skills (English Duck and Spanish Duck).” Oh, would you settle for octolingual skills? That’s right, I can quack in eight different languages, including Latin, Esperanto and Pig Latin (“ack-quay!”).

Another special skill called out was the ability to “present complex information clearly and concisely into an effective reading of the word ‘Aflac.’”

That’s a large undertaking, conveying an insurance company’s entire mission and philosophy in one word, spoken in a cartoonish duck voice. But I’m up to the challenge.

Unlike most applicants, I understand that this is where the grunting comes in.

Like Your Dog Is In My Bushes on Facebook. It will make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

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