If my calculations are correct, more people have died during rehearsal for the new Broadway musical “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” than in both World Wars combined.
If that doesn’t scare you, maybe this will. As the injuries pile up on the set of the much talked about, much delayed show, we can’t even rely on Spider-Man for help. Because guess what? He’s badly injured, too. Took a fall a few weeks back and now he can’t even feel his spider-sense tingling.
That means your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man is probably a backup. On duty for the first time, and from what I hear, not even licensed to carry webs.
But while everyone is disturbed by what’s happening in that theater on the Great White Way, the focus here shouldn’t be on the unfortunate soundtrack created by Bono and The Edge.
Instead, we should be trying to find ways to protect Spider-Man so that he, in turn, can protect us. There are some basic rules and safety measures that can be implemented in and around the theater to make a big difference. They could even serve to improve and enhance the show. Maybe make it feel more real.
For one, Spider-Man should now complete all scenes contained inside a bouncy castle. As an added precaution in the event the castle loses air, audience members seated in the first three rows are now required to be morbidly obese.
Spider-Man must be wearing helmets and kneepads at all times. It doesn’t matter if Batman’s family lets him go out without them whenever he wants. If Batman went out without his mask would you do it too?
Further, Spider-Man won’t be allowed to leave the house without a sweater. It can get downright chilly in those old theaters and that could lead to a case of the sniffles. Relax, everyone will still see the suit. And by the end of the show the audience won’t even be able to picture the costume without the cardigan anymore.
Also regarding the costume, blinking reflectors will be added to each Spider-Man’s suit so as to be easily seen by cast, crew, motorists driving at dusk and other Spider-Men who may be left dangling from the rafters from previous failed performances.
Speaking of which, instead of dangerous aerial maneuvers performed while swinging from webs high above the stage, Spider-Man will now briskly walk back and forth on stage, creating the illusion of flight. It’s called acting.
These strenuous musical numbers will each be followed by brief cool-down sessions, where Spider-Man and fellow characters stop to have some orange juice and maybe a cookie. This doesn’t need to happen any more than between 18 and 26 times at varying random spots throughout the performance nightly, so as to not disrupt the show’s flow.
And of course, all Spider-Men will be required to supply an emergency contact number. Necessary information will include a first and last name, specified relationship to Spider-Man, a daytime phone number and any nut allergies.
With great power comes great responsibility, and with great stunts comes producers’ great responsibility to be able to contact a next of kin.
So mostly minor tweaks in all, but important ones. And with them, “Spider-Man” the musical should be ready to officially and safely launch without further delay.
Helmets and cardigans, everyone! The show's about to start.
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3 comments:
Dance like nobody's watching.
I am. Because nobody is.
As a regular theater-goer, I for one think the spiderman show will be a bit hit, despite all the negativity from critics. Its about time Broadway started thinking outside the box and gave us something we can really sink our teeth into. Every show has its kinks to work out and this one is no exception. I applaud the brainy and creative Julie Taymore and its my opinion that people are just jealous, probably because she is a talented woman with some real gusto.
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