Valentine's Day for Poor People

Ah, Valentine's Day. A day when your significant other's daily failings can manifest themselves as one daylong colossal disappointment. My wife and I made the decision this year not to buy Valentine's Day gifts for each other, not because of some misguided stand against the over-commercialization of the holiday, but because we are poor.

And what we've learned from this experience is that despite the absence of disposable income, even poors are capable of love. And I mean love of people, not just modestly priced brown liquor. I know, it shocked me too. So knowing that, doesn't it make sense that low-income members of society also have a way to properly express their affection for each other? The answer is probably. So I brainstormed a few fiscally responsible ways to celebrate. You can even use these if you're wealthy. Although I'm not sure why you wouldn't just instead buy an island and go there.

Steal a puppy.
Dogs make memorable gifts, but purchasing one from a breeder or pet store can be expensive. It makes considerably more financial sense to drive around your neighborhood looking for unattended dogs in backyards. Get out early before your local dog fighters to ensure the best selection. Once you've found your dog, tying a bandanna around its neck can serve the dual purpose of being adorable and throwing your neighbor off the scent when you're out on future walks, as their similar looking dog clearly did not wear one.

Perform intercourse in the third position.
Normally reserved for the third and sixth nights of honeymoons or other long vacations, there is a little known third mating position that, when utilized, sends the signal that this is a special occasion. I don't want to get too graphic, but in its own way, it often says more than flowers, chocolates and stolen pets ever could. Speaking of which, during the act be sure to put your new dog in the other room or blindfold them with their bandanna because they have a tendency to stare. Unless you're into that kind of thing, in which case do nothing. Except maybe see a therapist.

Serenade your lover.
Is there anything more romantic than belting out a love song to that special someone? And the best part is, all you need to make it work is a velvety smooth voice, a musical instrument, the ability to play that instrument at a level where you can also sing simultaneously, the ability to remember the words while you do that, a large balcony off of your bedroom and an evening with plentiful moonlight. It's important to find a song that also conveys the right sentiments, so be choosy. Don't just go with the first song that pops into your head. Unless the first song that pops into you head is this, in which case, go with it.

Dress like a slut.
The greatest gift of all. Outside of Halloween and Flag Day, no holiday is more conducive to promiscuous dress than Valentine's Day. And this goes for both men and women. Guys, if you're making dinner for your special lady at home, don't be afraid to serve beefcake for dessert.


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