Chemical Charlie

The following was originally published in the March 4 edition of the Dayton Daily News. Inject it directly into your bloodstream to enjoy the hilarity more immediately. 

Moments later, he snorted one up each nostril.

I think we can all agree that the time for somebody to call out Thomas Jefferson is long overdue.

That’s why I was so pleased to hear a recent interview on a syndicated radio program that apparently exists called The Alex Jones Show with the totally, completely, really sober Charlie Sheen.

In the interview, Sheen covered everything from the creator of Two and a Half Men, Chuck Lorre (a “clown” and a “turd”), to his dad Martin Sheen (“Quit panicking.”) to that scourge Jefferson.

“He was a p---y,” an obviously clearheaded Sheen suggested of the third president of the United States.

Thank you. It’s about time that somebody put Thomas Jefferson in his place. The man has gotten a pass for far too long. He was a namby-pamby even by his day’s powdered wig-wearing standards and I’m glad somebody finally said it.

Now before you dismiss this as just the ramblings of the same wild, out-of-control Charlie Sheen you remember from way back in the early last weeks, you should know that he’s completely sober now. I know because he said so.

Just not in so many words. Or, I guess not in that word, “sober.” Because that word is for “sissies.” Like Thomas Jefferson!

But he is cured, even though what he had was not, as his father had suggested in recent interviews, a disease.

“I have a disease? Bulls--t. I cured it with my brain,” Charlie said.

I don’t think I have to explain to you what this revelation, if true, could mean for the fields of disease prevention and medical research. This could be a huge breakthrough. The one we’ve been waiting years for.

Of course, Charlie Sheen’s Brain is not right for everyone, so be sure to consult your physician before starting a regimen. Side effects include sore liver, junkie face, drunkenstumblebum and ol’ sunken eyes.

Women who have dignity or may develop dignity should not take Charlie Sheen’s Brain. Stop taking Charlie Sheen’s Brain immediately if you develop nosebleeds or thoughts of destroying a hotel room or a marriage, as these could be a signs of a more serious problem.

Oh, and don’t you think for a second that Sheen’s new clean lifestyle had anything to do with Alcoholics Anonymous, that “bootleg cult founded by an LSD addict who wrote a book of lies.”

“Their success rate is only five percent,” he said. “Compared to [my] success rate of 100 percent. Do the math!”

I did. My numbers came out inconclusive. I wasn’t really sure if I was supposed to be adding, subtracting, multiplying or dividing though.

“I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and b--chin’ and just winning every second,” Sheen continued, saying that he was tired of dealing with people like you. All the “fools and trolls whose judgment and stupidity comes from having to lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives.”

Yeah, you probably like Thomas Jefferson, too.

But the good news is, just because you’re awful and probably worth more to your ugly loved ones dead than alive, there is a cure.

Talk to your doctor about Charlie Sheen’s brain today, so you can stop sucking and start winning every second.

Image via.

Tweet