Separation of Church and Fake

The following was originally published in the February 18 edition of the Dayton Daily News and was made possible, as are all things, by the grace of John Travolta and Tom Cruise.

The Church of Scientology has its fair share of well-documented detractors. Those people are just jealous.

And who wouldn’t be with some of the amazing membership benefits that have recently come to light in an article in The New Yorker?

First, actor Josh Brolin discussed the time when, in “a moment of real desperation,” he visited the church’s Celebrity Centre. What, your church doesn’t have one?

So much like your church it's scary.

Brolin decided Scientology just wasn’t for him after receiving his “auditing.” And who can blame him? Getting together all of those receipts is exhausting.

Oh, it says here that in Scientology, “auditing” is a sort of spiritual counseling session. Well, still sounds painful.

So Josh says it’s not his thing. OK, fine. To each his own. But imagine how red his face must have been when a few years later he was at a dinner party with John Travolta and in walked Marlon Brando with a painful cut on his leg, sustained after helping a stranded motorist on the Pacific Coast Highway. That’s when, according to Brolin, Travolta sprang into action, offering to help and saying that he had just “reached a new level.” Then Travolta proceeded to touch the cut leg as Brando closed his eyes.

“Then, after ten minutes,” Brolin explains, “Brando opens his eyes and says, ‘That really helped. I actually feel different!’ ”

Wow. That is a miracle. Marlon Brando actually left his house. I thought that sort of thing only happened in the movies. Glory to John in the highest!

And don’t worry about the fact that Brando didn’t say anything about feeling better. He felt “different,” which is essentially the same thing when you think about it. He felt bad, then he felt different. Better is different than bad. See, now don’t you feel different?

Through his lawyer, Travolta calls the story “pure fabrication,” but what’s he going to say? If he reveals that he is, in fact, a healer, he’d have people coming up to him constantly asking him to lay hands upon them. It’s just not practical.

Then there’s the story about John Brosseau, an ex-Scientologist and Tom Cruise staffer, who was ordered by church leader David Miscavigealong to construct a custom limousine for the star, as well as two motorcycles and an airport hangar. You know, the things every church has fellow parishioners make for each other.

Although, “ordered” makes it sound like they were toiling away with no reward, when in fact Brosseau says each person on the project was paid $50 a week and was assured they were “working for the betterment of mankind.” Glory to Tom in the highest!

If that’s the case, accepting $50 a week seems greedy and excessive on the part of Brosseau and the other staffers. Shame on them. If you’re truly working on a limo that will serve to advance humanity, how dare you accept compensation?

And from a church, no less. They’re probably struggling to scrape together the funds for a new community center and you put them in a position like that?

In a final example of the religion’s clear, not at all baseless benefits, actress Kirstie Alley proclaims she would be dead if it wasn’t for Scientology.

“Without Scientology, I would be dead,” she said. See, told you.

She says the religion helped her “lose her craving for cocaine.” Evidently, church leaders are still working on transferring this amazing power into the realm of Hostess snack cakes.

That must be at the next level.

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