Dear Tony: Take My Advice Before I Force It Upon You

Amateur.

My friends and loved ones are always coming to me for advice. They'll ask, "How do I get you to go away?" or "What would it take for you to leave me and my family alone?" I must be doing something right, because they continue to come back to me over and over with questions just like these. Knowing that, how can I, in good conscience, keep my gift of guidance away from all of the people out there who are in search of direction. It would be a crime.

So I've decided to start answering the thousands upon thousands of letters that come pouring in from people around the country in need of a nudge in the right direction. To Dear Abby. Sorry, I left that part off. The thousands upon thousands of letters that come pouring in to Dear Abby.

See the problem is, nobody sends me letters seeking advice ... yet. So until tomorrow when everybody has seen what I can do and my inbox fills up with advice seekers, I'll just have to cherry pick off of Abby. Whose real name is actually Jeanne Phillips, by the way. Seems kind of strange, no? Someone whom you're supposed to trust implicitly with a major life decision can't even do you the courtesy of giving you their real name? Just know that whatever your problem, you can always put your trust in me, Dr. Fredrick J. Sotheby III, Esq. On to the letters:

DEAR ABBY TONY: Our son has not spoken to us in 2 1/2 years. This isn't the first time it has happened. When we are asked how he and his family are doing and where they are living, we don't know how to respond. What do we say when meeting someone new and they ask whether we have children?

If we answer that we have one son, a number of questions are sure to follow for which we don't have answers. Can you offer some appropriate responses to these questions that don't require having to say, "We don't know"? -- NEEDS AN ANSWER IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NEEDS AN ANSWER: This is a tricky one because no one likes to have awkward conversations, especially regarding such a sensitive family issue. Say you're at a party and you're talking to someone you know. Your best bet is to concoct stories about your son that ensure people will want to avoid asking any follow up questions. For example:

Nosy friend: How is Billy?
You: He's an abortion doctor.
Nosy friend: (voice full of regret) Um, I ... I think I'm going to grab a few more of these finger sandwiches.

Or, in the case of a person you don't know asking about your family:

Nosy stranger: Do you have any kids?
You: No, better. I have kitties!

In either case, you've sent a clear message that you are a person with which all conversation should be avoided. Pretty hard to answer questions about your estranged son when nobody wants to speak to you. Problem solved.

DEAR ABBY TONY: My best friend "Diane" and I have known each other since we were children. She has always had difficulty in her relationships with men. In the last three years, she has begun dating married men. She was sure the latest one was the man of her dreams, but it was short-lived and destroyed his marriage. Diane rationalizes what she's doing by saying the men will cheat anyway, so why not with her?

Diane is now in love with someone new. If he leaves his wife and children for her, this will be another home Diane has helped break up. She wants my blessings and for me to get along with her boyfriend. Being a married woman and a mother, I sympathize with the wives of these men.

Why has my best friend become a home wrecker? What can I do to avoid being pulled into this affair without losing her friendship? -- MORALLY COMPROMISED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MORALLY COMPROMISED: I'm sorry, I kind of zoned out there after your first sentence.  I apologize. Totally my fault. I didn't do it on purpose. I just really don't care about some random lady's friends, you know? Is that bad? That's probably bad. At least in this forum, I guess. OK, tell you what, give me a minute to skim your letter and get the gist of it, then I'll come back and tell you what I think ...

All right, I'm back. So, your friend Diane, she sounds nice. But if she's trying to keep you from dating married men, you have to tell her to butt out. Try softening that request by adding "Buttinsky" at the end. You'll both get a good laugh and she'll completely forget that you slept with her husband.

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