Happy St. Patrick's Day from Uncle O'Grimacey

40% drunker than original Grimace

After vomiting on yourself and vomiting on someone standing near you, consuming McDonald's Shamrock Shakes is America's most celebrated St. Patrick's Day Tradition. A close fourth is vomiting Shamrock Shake on someone standing near you.

And since people (read: hippies) have become so interested in where their food comes from these days, I thought this the perfect time to explain where your Shamrock Shakes come from. There is a man, a great man, who is responsible for all the Shamrock Shakes ingested in this country. Legend has it that he hand delivers them from Ireland to his morbidly obese American nephew every year, who then distributes what he doesn't polish off to participating McDonald's locations.

That man's name is Uncle O'Grimacey.



Now, I know what you're thinking. "Hey, if Uncle O'Grimacey is so great, how come I never see him around?" Well you've got some damn nerve. Ever think about the fact that McDonald's is run by a jealous, insecure clown who refuses to cede the spotlight, even for the limited time of limited time only promotions? Or the fact that they're a sinister, shadowy corporation out for its own interests without a passing thought about whose shillelagh they have to step on to get to the top?

From Wikipedia:

He was created in 1977 and even appeared in 1986 for an advertising narrative of McDonald's both in celebration of Saint Patrick's Day and to mark the annual appearance of the Shamrock Shake ... O'Grimacey resides in his home country for eleven months of the year and visits his nephew Grimace in March, bringing with him his "incredibly delicious" shake. Uncle O'Grimacey is no longer used by the chain for its promotions of the shake.

That's suspiciously matter of fact, McDonald's. Care to elaborate? What are you hiding? Could it be that Uncle O'Grimacey hasn't been seen since 1986 because he was ... MURDERED?!

Where's Uncle O'Grimacey?! Where is he?! If he's alive I will find him and I swear on Mayor McCheese's head, if you hurt him, there will be hell to pay. The Hamburglar will be the least of your worries.

I demand you show us Uncle O'Grimacey, McDonald's. Prove to us that he is okay. Then, and only then, will I end this crusade. You've seen what's happened all over the Middle East when people have had enough. Don't think that because you've largely rendered the American population inert that such a movement can't be organized here. It might just take a little longer for us to get out of our chairs, that's all.

I await your prompt response. Happy St. Patrick's Day.


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