Lists That Actually Matter: Five Fast Food Innovations You Didn't See Coming

When it comes to American culinary innovation, we've come a long way since the stuffed crust pizza. In fact, we've come so far that now there's cheese and pepperoni stuffed inside the crust. But we're on a slippery slope. Mostly because the slope is now covered in sweat and bacon grease, but also in a figurative sense, as food makers try to outdo each other in an effort to win America's heart before it explodes. So even though you think we must have reached a plateau and that this game of "can you top and/or stuff this" can't go any further, you know, deep down, that's not true. Think of all the stuff that could still be randomly thrown together in a bowl, bread or otherwise. Or all of the things that could be freakishly manipulated into the shape of a fry. Pepperoni inside the crust? Big deal. Call me when pepperoni is the crust. Then we're getting somewhere. Enough pussyfooting around, American restaurant industry. I'm offering up these five ideas free of charge to get you moving in the right direction. If you care about us, you'll make them happen.

Read the list HERE. 


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Is It News: Nick Lachey Lumbar Support Edition

BREAKING:

Is this news? It's interesting, I think we can all agree on that. I was immediately sucked in. And it's good to hear, what with all we know about the violent aftermath of MTV's Newlyweds. But news? I'm not sure. As usual, I'd prefer to see what, if any, photographic evidence there is to support this item.

Okay, so they're together in a picture. So what? Lots of people get photographed together. Models, heads of state, family members. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. I'm still not convinced ... wait a second. Zoom in.

So it's true! You've done it again, People Magazine.

Verdict: News.

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Ready To Fill the Bill

The following appeared in the April 1 edition of the Dayton Daily News. Read it in a silly duck voice in your head, if you dare.

Can you speak?

Can you, um … well, that’s it actually.

If you can, you could be the next voice of the Aflac Duck! Finally, an occupation where I wouldn’t openly embarrass my family, if only because my work would all be attributed to a sassy duck.

Aflac is encouraging people to “Answer the Duck’s Call.” At least, I think it’s them. They could really just be hunters trying to lure potential ducks out. Just in case, be sure to wear a bright orange vest to audition.

The old voice, Gilbert Gottfried, was let go after making jokes about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan on Twitter. That’s in incredibly poor taste, yes. But maybe this all could have been avoided with a few strategically placed winky smiley face emoticons. Those soften everything.

For example: I’m not sure I love you anymore. ;)

See how that takes the sting out of things? We’ll never know if it would have saved Gilbert though, and now, his loss could be your gain. Go ahead and audition if you want. Entries have to be in today, April 1. You might even come in second place. That’s how confident I am in my application.

All the company asks for in the entry is your name, phone number, email and a 30 second audio or video clip of your interpretations of the duck sounding “informative, frustrated, happy, surprised, angry.”

The directions also say to “feel free to add grunts, groans, and mutterings, but no words other than ‘Aflac.’”

So my recording of a half-minute of emotive grunting complete, I moved on to something that would differentiate me from all the other candidates.

Any good job applicant knows that no matter what the company you’re applying to asks for, always send a cover letter. That’s why I included the following.

To Whom It May Concern:

It started at an early age, when I used to speak with a fake lisp to be like Daffy or often went out wearing a pantsless sailor suit à la Donald.

But eventually, that sort of thing had to stop. Especially the second one. The sailor suit top was getting tight.

And so I moved on, like people so often do, convinced the ship had sailed on my dreams. I could still be happy without being a duck, at least that’s what I told myself.

Then I heard about your search for a new voice for your spokesduck and I knew it was meant to be.

You say you’re looking for someone with a “collaborative spirit, especially when it comes to working with ducks.” So I guess it’s good that my grade school report cards regularly said, “talks at inappropriate times, but works well with other children and water fowl.”

Under special skills, you say the position “requires correct pronunciation of the word Aflac.” As you’ll see in my audition tape, I nailed this one at least six out of every ten times. That’s over 50%!

You’re also looking for “bilingual skills (English Duck and Spanish Duck).” Oh, would you settle for octolingual skills? That’s right, I can quack in eight different languages, including Latin, Esperanto and Pig Latin (“ack-quay!”).

Another special skill called out was the ability to “present complex information clearly and concisely into an effective reading of the word ‘Aflac.’”

That’s a large undertaking, conveying an insurance company’s entire mission and philosophy in one word, spoken in a cartoonish duck voice. But I’m up to the challenge.

Unlike most applicants, I understand that this is where the grunting comes in.

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Lists That Actually Matter: Five Things Your Mom Will Never Be Convinced You Have Enough Of

Fits children up to 38 years old.

You have a job, a house or an apartment, a pair of leather shoes with laces, maybe a car, and you rarely wet the bed anymore. Congratulations, you're a fully functioning adult. But your mom is not fooled. She knows the truth. She knows that you still need help, specifically in these five areas. And if you don't get it, you'll end up cold, starving and alone on the street without so much as a single trashcan fire to warm yourself near. Don't let it happen to you!

Read the list HERE.


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April Fools' Family Fun!

It's April Fools' Day ... or is it?

Yes, it is. Gotcha, you calendar checking moron!

Started in 1693 as a way of rounding up the stupidest members of society to use as kindling for witch burnings, April Fools' has become a convenient one-day excuse for the horrible way people normally treat each other.

What better time to loosen up and show your family that you're not just the angry, abusive drunk they've become so adept at avoiding after long days at work and sporting events you've wagered on than by playing a few wholesome pranks? Here are some you can try out at home today to tenuously regain your loved ones' belief that a soul resides somewhere inside you.

Made ya look: It's amazing that this zinger still fools people after so many years, but believe me, it does. And the best part is, it's the perfect segue into unleashing all the things that bother you about your loved ones that you've been holding in. You merely point and look to an area behind your family member, asking, "What's that behind you?" Then, imagine their surprise when they turn to see nothing at all. Gets 'em every time! That's when you tell them it's no wonder they can't hold down a job or perform better in school, as they've just demonstrated that they have the cranial capacity of a baby orangutan.

Hey, what's that on your shirt: This one never fails. All you do is point down to an area on your family member's shirt and falsely alert them that there's an unidentified spot or stain that requires attention. Then, when they look down, they'll see that there's not really a stain at all. You've just set their shirt on fire.

Squirting flower: Will this classic ever stop being funny? All you do is pin a fake flower to your lapel (note: be sure you're wearing clothing featuring a lapel). Then, when family members invariably lean in to take a smell, spit in their face. Wait until you see the look they give you!

The Old Switcheroo: This one'll really throw 'em for a loop. Take something your family uses everyday and replace it with something that looks similar. What's that honey, your key isn't working? Could it be because I've switched your front door key with the back door key? LOL! Why does this water taste like bleach? Because it is!

Happy fooling, everyone.

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Lists That Actually Matter: 25 Best Baseball Mullets

Yer mouth is pertty.

You might look at these 25 men and think that they're all business. But a simple swing around to the back and you'll see that they like to party, too. Having already talked about some of the finest facial hair in the business a few weeks back, it would be negligent for us to ignore the top of the head. Especially when you consider the fact that in the world of sports, only hockey can match baseball's affinity for the mullet. So with opening day just a day or two away (depending on your team), what better time to honor those who best wore the look beloved today by so many, from hillbillies to Canadians to ironic hipsters to ironic Canadian hillbilly hipsters?


Read the whole list HERE.


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Lists That Actually Matter: Top 5 Overused Selling Points

Think about it ... but not too long.

Some people are so susceptible to advertising. Poor saps will believe anything a commercial tells them. Not me. I come to my own conclusions. Ain't no doctor gonna tell me how long my erection should last! But those not quite as sophisticated as myself may still be taken in by some of the following overused advertising stock phrases, no matter how often they show up.

See the list HERE.


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Keeping Up Is Hard To Do

Insert obvious joke here.

The following was originally published in the March 18 edition of the Dayton Daily News. It's an important piece of writing about an important topic. Please try to pay attention.

Great news! Unemployment numbers remain at record levels with no real end in sight.

Man, those jobless really got it made. Lunches at fancy restaurants. Shopping. Various cosmetic procedures. I don’t understand what all the fuss over the out-of-work is about. Seems to me they’re living quite comfortably.

Yes, if the Kardashians are an accurate gauge, there’s never been a better time to contribute less to society.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the family took in $65 million in 2010. And why not? Besides every person you know, chimpanzees, children, large kitchen appliances, most breeds of dog, candlesticks, Paris Hilton and many robots, who else could have done the things they did?

Exhibit A: their show, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” It’s in its sixth season (just let that sink in) on E!

That’s E! Entertainment Television. “Entertainment” is right there in the name. They wouldn’t put something on the air if it wasn’t entertaining. It’s not E! “Stupid Garbage Television.” Not yet, at least.

Why has the show been such a huge success? Mother and manager Kris Jenner has an idea.

“There’s someone here for everyone to relate to,” she said.

Yes. I identify so strongly with Kourtney’s baby, Mason. In that being around these people would also make me want to cry and soil myself.

“I’ve had so many people come over to me and say, ‘I remember the episode where you were crying over blah, blah, blah and it helped me so much and I got through my dad’s death because of you,” she continued.

So true. There’s nothing more cathartic than watching rich people get into fights at nightclubs and then further discuss those fights in individual, dead-behind-the-eyes confessional interviews were they exhibit no vocal inflection of any kind. I can’t think of a better way to honor the memory of a lost loved one and value the precious gift of life.

But you don’t make $65 million just by being a coping mechanism. You make it by standing in front of a blowing fan, having your picture taken and then slapping that picture on everything humanly possible.

Kardashian Silly Bandz? Done. Could Pogs be next?

Kardashian book? Done. “Kardashian Konfidential” was a best seller, bigger than Oprah recommending the Bible.

Kardashian water? In the works. It’s just like regular water but it offers nothing beneficial. Actually, it’s just an empty bottle. It costs $7.95.

On Twitter, Kim can make $25,000 just by mentioning a business in her tweets. You mean, she doesn’t really choose Lowe’s for all of her weekend DIY home improvement projects?

“Unbreakable,” a unisex fragrance from Khloé and husband Lamar Odom, just came out and will likely be a huge hit. After all, who doesn’t want a romantic partner that smells exactly them? Just ask this appetizing commercial.



“Kardashian Khaos” is opening this year at the Mirage in Las Vegas, serving as a one-stop destination where people who hate themselves can buy every product currently endorsed by a Kardashian. It also furthers the family’s commitment to cleverly replacing the “C” at the beginning of words appearing after their name with a “K.” A concept most children would need at least 48 seconds to think of.

Worried this could all be too much of a good thing? As usual, the Kardashians are way ahead of you.

“We definitely worry about overexposure,” Jenner said. “We never want to get to a place where people are thinking, ‘Enough is enough.’ ”

Yeah, and I heard when you get to that place, you don’t even realize you’re there. Freaky.

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Happy St. Patrick's Day from Uncle O'Grimacey

40% drunker than original Grimace

After vomiting on yourself and vomiting on someone standing near you, consuming McDonald's Shamrock Shakes is America's most celebrated St. Patrick's Day Tradition. A close fourth is vomiting Shamrock Shake on someone standing near you.

And since people (read: hippies) have become so interested in where their food comes from these days, I thought this the perfect time to explain where your Shamrock Shakes come from. There is a man, a great man, who is responsible for all the Shamrock Shakes ingested in this country. Legend has it that he hand delivers them from Ireland to his morbidly obese American nephew every year, who then distributes what he doesn't polish off to participating McDonald's locations.

That man's name is Uncle O'Grimacey.



Now, I know what you're thinking. "Hey, if Uncle O'Grimacey is so great, how come I never see him around?" Well you've got some damn nerve. Ever think about the fact that McDonald's is run by a jealous, insecure clown who refuses to cede the spotlight, even for the limited time of limited time only promotions? Or the fact that they're a sinister, shadowy corporation out for its own interests without a passing thought about whose shillelagh they have to step on to get to the top?

From Wikipedia:

He was created in 1977 and even appeared in 1986 for an advertising narrative of McDonald's both in celebration of Saint Patrick's Day and to mark the annual appearance of the Shamrock Shake ... O'Grimacey resides in his home country for eleven months of the year and visits his nephew Grimace in March, bringing with him his "incredibly delicious" shake. Uncle O'Grimacey is no longer used by the chain for its promotions of the shake.

That's suspiciously matter of fact, McDonald's. Care to elaborate? What are you hiding? Could it be that Uncle O'Grimacey hasn't been seen since 1986 because he was ... MURDERED?!

Where's Uncle O'Grimacey?! Where is he?! If he's alive I will find him and I swear on Mayor McCheese's head, if you hurt him, there will be hell to pay. The Hamburglar will be the least of your worries.

I demand you show us Uncle O'Grimacey, McDonald's. Prove to us that he is okay. Then, and only then, will I end this crusade. You've seen what's happened all over the Middle East when people have had enough. Don't think that because you've largely rendered the American population inert that such a movement can't be organized here. It might just take a little longer for us to get out of our chairs, that's all.

I await your prompt response. Happy St. Patrick's Day.


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Lists That Actually Matter: Five Ways NPR Can Survive Without Government Funding

Yours free for reading my list.

Fellow boring white people, assemble! NPR is in danger of losing its government funding. Whether you're all for that or totally against it, there's one thing we can all agree on: enchiladas is tasty. Now that we've established some common ground, let's try to find a way for listeners like you and me to make up our main Ira Glass delivery system's potential budget shortfall.

Read the list HERE.

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