Lists That Actually Matter: 25 Best Baseball Mullets

Yer mouth is pertty.

You might look at these 25 men and think that they're all business. But a simple swing around to the back and you'll see that they like to party, too. Having already talked about some of the finest facial hair in the business a few weeks back, it would be negligent for us to ignore the top of the head. Especially when you consider the fact that in the world of sports, only hockey can match baseball's affinity for the mullet. So with opening day just a day or two away (depending on your team), what better time to honor those who best wore the look beloved today by so many, from hillbillies to Canadians to ironic hipsters to ironic Canadian hillbilly hipsters?


Read the whole list HERE.


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Lists That Actually Matter: Top 5 Overused Selling Points

Think about it ... but not too long.

Some people are so susceptible to advertising. Poor saps will believe anything a commercial tells them. Not me. I come to my own conclusions. Ain't no doctor gonna tell me how long my erection should last! But those not quite as sophisticated as myself may still be taken in by some of the following overused advertising stock phrases, no matter how often they show up.

See the list HERE.


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Keeping Up Is Hard To Do

Insert obvious joke here.

The following was originally published in the March 18 edition of the Dayton Daily News. It's an important piece of writing about an important topic. Please try to pay attention.

Great news! Unemployment numbers remain at record levels with no real end in sight.

Man, those jobless really got it made. Lunches at fancy restaurants. Shopping. Various cosmetic procedures. I don’t understand what all the fuss over the out-of-work is about. Seems to me they’re living quite comfortably.

Yes, if the Kardashians are an accurate gauge, there’s never been a better time to contribute less to society.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the family took in $65 million in 2010. And why not? Besides every person you know, chimpanzees, children, large kitchen appliances, most breeds of dog, candlesticks, Paris Hilton and many robots, who else could have done the things they did?

Exhibit A: their show, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” It’s in its sixth season (just let that sink in) on E!

That’s E! Entertainment Television. “Entertainment” is right there in the name. They wouldn’t put something on the air if it wasn’t entertaining. It’s not E! “Stupid Garbage Television.” Not yet, at least.

Why has the show been such a huge success? Mother and manager Kris Jenner has an idea.

“There’s someone here for everyone to relate to,” she said.

Yes. I identify so strongly with Kourtney’s baby, Mason. In that being around these people would also make me want to cry and soil myself.

“I’ve had so many people come over to me and say, ‘I remember the episode where you were crying over blah, blah, blah and it helped me so much and I got through my dad’s death because of you,” she continued.

So true. There’s nothing more cathartic than watching rich people get into fights at nightclubs and then further discuss those fights in individual, dead-behind-the-eyes confessional interviews were they exhibit no vocal inflection of any kind. I can’t think of a better way to honor the memory of a lost loved one and value the precious gift of life.

But you don’t make $65 million just by being a coping mechanism. You make it by standing in front of a blowing fan, having your picture taken and then slapping that picture on everything humanly possible.

Kardashian Silly Bandz? Done. Could Pogs be next?

Kardashian book? Done. “Kardashian Konfidential” was a best seller, bigger than Oprah recommending the Bible.

Kardashian water? In the works. It’s just like regular water but it offers nothing beneficial. Actually, it’s just an empty bottle. It costs $7.95.

On Twitter, Kim can make $25,000 just by mentioning a business in her tweets. You mean, she doesn’t really choose Lowe’s for all of her weekend DIY home improvement projects?

“Unbreakable,” a unisex fragrance from Khloé and husband Lamar Odom, just came out and will likely be a huge hit. After all, who doesn’t want a romantic partner that smells exactly them? Just ask this appetizing commercial.



“Kardashian Khaos” is opening this year at the Mirage in Las Vegas, serving as a one-stop destination where people who hate themselves can buy every product currently endorsed by a Kardashian. It also furthers the family’s commitment to cleverly replacing the “C” at the beginning of words appearing after their name with a “K.” A concept most children would need at least 48 seconds to think of.

Worried this could all be too much of a good thing? As usual, the Kardashians are way ahead of you.

“We definitely worry about overexposure,” Jenner said. “We never want to get to a place where people are thinking, ‘Enough is enough.’ ”

Yeah, and I heard when you get to that place, you don’t even realize you’re there. Freaky.

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Happy St. Patrick's Day from Uncle O'Grimacey

40% drunker than original Grimace

After vomiting on yourself and vomiting on someone standing near you, consuming McDonald's Shamrock Shakes is America's most celebrated St. Patrick's Day Tradition. A close fourth is vomiting Shamrock Shake on someone standing near you.

And since people (read: hippies) have become so interested in where their food comes from these days, I thought this the perfect time to explain where your Shamrock Shakes come from. There is a man, a great man, who is responsible for all the Shamrock Shakes ingested in this country. Legend has it that he hand delivers them from Ireland to his morbidly obese American nephew every year, who then distributes what he doesn't polish off to participating McDonald's locations.

That man's name is Uncle O'Grimacey.



Now, I know what you're thinking. "Hey, if Uncle O'Grimacey is so great, how come I never see him around?" Well you've got some damn nerve. Ever think about the fact that McDonald's is run by a jealous, insecure clown who refuses to cede the spotlight, even for the limited time of limited time only promotions? Or the fact that they're a sinister, shadowy corporation out for its own interests without a passing thought about whose shillelagh they have to step on to get to the top?

From Wikipedia:

He was created in 1977 and even appeared in 1986 for an advertising narrative of McDonald's both in celebration of Saint Patrick's Day and to mark the annual appearance of the Shamrock Shake ... O'Grimacey resides in his home country for eleven months of the year and visits his nephew Grimace in March, bringing with him his "incredibly delicious" shake. Uncle O'Grimacey is no longer used by the chain for its promotions of the shake.

That's suspiciously matter of fact, McDonald's. Care to elaborate? What are you hiding? Could it be that Uncle O'Grimacey hasn't been seen since 1986 because he was ... MURDERED?!

Where's Uncle O'Grimacey?! Where is he?! If he's alive I will find him and I swear on Mayor McCheese's head, if you hurt him, there will be hell to pay. The Hamburglar will be the least of your worries.

I demand you show us Uncle O'Grimacey, McDonald's. Prove to us that he is okay. Then, and only then, will I end this crusade. You've seen what's happened all over the Middle East when people have had enough. Don't think that because you've largely rendered the American population inert that such a movement can't be organized here. It might just take a little longer for us to get out of our chairs, that's all.

I await your prompt response. Happy St. Patrick's Day.


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Lists That Actually Matter: Five Ways NPR Can Survive Without Government Funding

Yours free for reading my list.

Fellow boring white people, assemble! NPR is in danger of losing its government funding. Whether you're all for that or totally against it, there's one thing we can all agree on: enchiladas is tasty. Now that we've established some common ground, let's try to find a way for listeners like you and me to make up our main Ira Glass delivery system's potential budget shortfall.

Read the list HERE.

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Separation of Church and Fake

The following was originally published in the February 18 edition of the Dayton Daily News and was made possible, as are all things, by the grace of John Travolta and Tom Cruise.

The Church of Scientology has its fair share of well-documented detractors. Those people are just jealous.

And who wouldn’t be with some of the amazing membership benefits that have recently come to light in an article in The New Yorker?

First, actor Josh Brolin discussed the time when, in “a moment of real desperation,” he visited the church’s Celebrity Centre. What, your church doesn’t have one?

So much like your church it's scary.

Brolin decided Scientology just wasn’t for him after receiving his “auditing.” And who can blame him? Getting together all of those receipts is exhausting.

Oh, it says here that in Scientology, “auditing” is a sort of spiritual counseling session. Well, still sounds painful.

So Josh says it’s not his thing. OK, fine. To each his own. But imagine how red his face must have been when a few years later he was at a dinner party with John Travolta and in walked Marlon Brando with a painful cut on his leg, sustained after helping a stranded motorist on the Pacific Coast Highway. That’s when, according to Brolin, Travolta sprang into action, offering to help and saying that he had just “reached a new level.” Then Travolta proceeded to touch the cut leg as Brando closed his eyes.

“Then, after ten minutes,” Brolin explains, “Brando opens his eyes and says, ‘That really helped. I actually feel different!’ ”

Wow. That is a miracle. Marlon Brando actually left his house. I thought that sort of thing only happened in the movies. Glory to John in the highest!

And don’t worry about the fact that Brando didn’t say anything about feeling better. He felt “different,” which is essentially the same thing when you think about it. He felt bad, then he felt different. Better is different than bad. See, now don’t you feel different?

Through his lawyer, Travolta calls the story “pure fabrication,” but what’s he going to say? If he reveals that he is, in fact, a healer, he’d have people coming up to him constantly asking him to lay hands upon them. It’s just not practical.

Then there’s the story about John Brosseau, an ex-Scientologist and Tom Cruise staffer, who was ordered by church leader David Miscavigealong to construct a custom limousine for the star, as well as two motorcycles and an airport hangar. You know, the things every church has fellow parishioners make for each other.

Although, “ordered” makes it sound like they were toiling away with no reward, when in fact Brosseau says each person on the project was paid $50 a week and was assured they were “working for the betterment of mankind.” Glory to Tom in the highest!

If that’s the case, accepting $50 a week seems greedy and excessive on the part of Brosseau and the other staffers. Shame on them. If you’re truly working on a limo that will serve to advance humanity, how dare you accept compensation?

And from a church, no less. They’re probably struggling to scrape together the funds for a new community center and you put them in a position like that?

In a final example of the religion’s clear, not at all baseless benefits, actress Kirstie Alley proclaims she would be dead if it wasn’t for Scientology.

“Without Scientology, I would be dead,” she said. See, told you.

She says the religion helped her “lose her craving for cocaine.” Evidently, church leaders are still working on transferring this amazing power into the realm of Hostess snack cakes.

That must be at the next level.

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Lists That Actually Matter: Top 5 Habits of the Annoying Driver

"So, is this your first time? Driving! I mean driving!"

I drive to work. If you drive to work, chances are I hate you. Because chances are, you do one of these five things, if not two or three of them. And if you do, I don't wish harm or an untimely end on you, as some other, less measured people might. On the contrary, I hope you have many years ahead, just with an unexplained tickle in your anus that never goes away. I hope you spend years seeing doctors and trying to treat it with hundreds of pungent creams and ointments that make maintaining any level of intimacy with your significant other nearly impossible. But you stay together for your kids, who, by the way, will start telling friends that you're dead because it's easier than telling them the truth. Then the discomfort gets to the point where sitting, even with a specially designed doughnut pillow, is an unpleasant experience and you have to stop driving to work. Either that or your car breaks down. Whatever gets you off the road.

See the list HERE.

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Chemical Charlie

The following was originally published in the March 4 edition of the Dayton Daily News. Inject it directly into your bloodstream to enjoy the hilarity more immediately. 

Moments later, he snorted one up each nostril.

I think we can all agree that the time for somebody to call out Thomas Jefferson is long overdue.

That’s why I was so pleased to hear a recent interview on a syndicated radio program that apparently exists called The Alex Jones Show with the totally, completely, really sober Charlie Sheen.

In the interview, Sheen covered everything from the creator of Two and a Half Men, Chuck Lorre (a “clown” and a “turd”), to his dad Martin Sheen (“Quit panicking.”) to that scourge Jefferson.

“He was a p---y,” an obviously clearheaded Sheen suggested of the third president of the United States.

Thank you. It’s about time that somebody put Thomas Jefferson in his place. The man has gotten a pass for far too long. He was a namby-pamby even by his day’s powdered wig-wearing standards and I’m glad somebody finally said it.

Now before you dismiss this as just the ramblings of the same wild, out-of-control Charlie Sheen you remember from way back in the early last weeks, you should know that he’s completely sober now. I know because he said so.

Just not in so many words. Or, I guess not in that word, “sober.” Because that word is for “sissies.” Like Thomas Jefferson!

But he is cured, even though what he had was not, as his father had suggested in recent interviews, a disease.

“I have a disease? Bulls--t. I cured it with my brain,” Charlie said.

I don’t think I have to explain to you what this revelation, if true, could mean for the fields of disease prevention and medical research. This could be a huge breakthrough. The one we’ve been waiting years for.

Of course, Charlie Sheen’s Brain is not right for everyone, so be sure to consult your physician before starting a regimen. Side effects include sore liver, junkie face, drunkenstumblebum and ol’ sunken eyes.

Women who have dignity or may develop dignity should not take Charlie Sheen’s Brain. Stop taking Charlie Sheen’s Brain immediately if you develop nosebleeds or thoughts of destroying a hotel room or a marriage, as these could be a signs of a more serious problem.

Oh, and don’t you think for a second that Sheen’s new clean lifestyle had anything to do with Alcoholics Anonymous, that “bootleg cult founded by an LSD addict who wrote a book of lies.”

“Their success rate is only five percent,” he said. “Compared to [my] success rate of 100 percent. Do the math!”

I did. My numbers came out inconclusive. I wasn’t really sure if I was supposed to be adding, subtracting, multiplying or dividing though.

“I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and b--chin’ and just winning every second,” Sheen continued, saying that he was tired of dealing with people like you. All the “fools and trolls whose judgment and stupidity comes from having to lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives.”

Yeah, you probably like Thomas Jefferson, too.

But the good news is, just because you’re awful and probably worth more to your ugly loved ones dead than alive, there is a cure.

Talk to your doctor about Charlie Sheen’s brain today, so you can stop sucking and start winning every second.

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Lists That Actually Matter: Eight Forgotten Facial Hair Successes of 90s Chicago Baseball

Not pictured: George's Hennessy

The 1990s were a tumultuous time in baseball. Labor strife wiped out the 1994 postseason. Steroid use was widespread amongst many marquee players. Expansion teams were added despite the fact that their uniforms contained numerous shades of purple and/or teal. But it wasn't all bad. The 1990s were a golden age for attractive facial hair throughout major league clubhouses. And nowhere was that more evident than in Chicago, a town that appreciates a good mustache as much as it does a well cased meat. So who stood out in a diverse field of distinguished gentlemen?

See the list HERE.


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Dear Tony: Take My Advice Before I Force It Upon You

Amateur.

My friends and loved ones are always coming to me for advice. They'll ask, "How do I get you to go away?" or "What would it take for you to leave me and my family alone?" I must be doing something right, because they continue to come back to me over and over with questions just like these. Knowing that, how can I, in good conscience, keep my gift of guidance away from all of the people out there who are in search of direction. It would be a crime.

So I've decided to start answering the thousands upon thousands of letters that come pouring in from people around the country in need of a nudge in the right direction. To Dear Abby. Sorry, I left that part off. The thousands upon thousands of letters that come pouring in to Dear Abby.

See the problem is, nobody sends me letters seeking advice ... yet. So until tomorrow when everybody has seen what I can do and my inbox fills up with advice seekers, I'll just have to cherry pick off of Abby. Whose real name is actually Jeanne Phillips, by the way. Seems kind of strange, no? Someone whom you're supposed to trust implicitly with a major life decision can't even do you the courtesy of giving you their real name? Just know that whatever your problem, you can always put your trust in me, Dr. Fredrick J. Sotheby III, Esq. On to the letters:

DEAR ABBY TONY: Our son has not spoken to us in 2 1/2 years. This isn't the first time it has happened. When we are asked how he and his family are doing and where they are living, we don't know how to respond. What do we say when meeting someone new and they ask whether we have children?

If we answer that we have one son, a number of questions are sure to follow for which we don't have answers. Can you offer some appropriate responses to these questions that don't require having to say, "We don't know"? -- NEEDS AN ANSWER IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NEEDS AN ANSWER: This is a tricky one because no one likes to have awkward conversations, especially regarding such a sensitive family issue. Say you're at a party and you're talking to someone you know. Your best bet is to concoct stories about your son that ensure people will want to avoid asking any follow up questions. For example:

Nosy friend: How is Billy?
You: He's an abortion doctor.
Nosy friend: (voice full of regret) Um, I ... I think I'm going to grab a few more of these finger sandwiches.

Or, in the case of a person you don't know asking about your family:

Nosy stranger: Do you have any kids?
You: No, better. I have kitties!

In either case, you've sent a clear message that you are a person with which all conversation should be avoided. Pretty hard to answer questions about your estranged son when nobody wants to speak to you. Problem solved.

DEAR ABBY TONY: My best friend "Diane" and I have known each other since we were children. She has always had difficulty in her relationships with men. In the last three years, she has begun dating married men. She was sure the latest one was the man of her dreams, but it was short-lived and destroyed his marriage. Diane rationalizes what she's doing by saying the men will cheat anyway, so why not with her?

Diane is now in love with someone new. If he leaves his wife and children for her, this will be another home Diane has helped break up. She wants my blessings and for me to get along with her boyfriend. Being a married woman and a mother, I sympathize with the wives of these men.

Why has my best friend become a home wrecker? What can I do to avoid being pulled into this affair without losing her friendship? -- MORALLY COMPROMISED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MORALLY COMPROMISED: I'm sorry, I kind of zoned out there after your first sentence.  I apologize. Totally my fault. I didn't do it on purpose. I just really don't care about some random lady's friends, you know? Is that bad? That's probably bad. At least in this forum, I guess. OK, tell you what, give me a minute to skim your letter and get the gist of it, then I'll come back and tell you what I think ...

All right, I'm back. So, your friend Diane, she sounds nice. But if she's trying to keep you from dating married men, you have to tell her to butt out. Try softening that request by adding "Buttinsky" at the end. You'll both get a good laugh and she'll completely forget that you slept with her husband.

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